I don't know exactly where to start. That's why I haven't posted the last couple of days.

Yesterday marked two months since Tj died. In some ways it seems like yesterday, in other ways it seems much longer. I didn't talk with "E" yesterday. I hope he was busy, although I know it would still be difficult for him.

I was off Thursday. Although I spent it with the equipment project, it was pretty much a wasted day. I think K.O. and I need to get our heads together and develop a plan. The previous week we worked well in tandem, this week was a bust. It seemed anything I planned on doing interfered with what he planned and at the end of the day we had accomplished very little.

K.O. left Friday and went to Fairfield for a two day show. My Saturday was spent in his shop working on the equipment project. I changed directions and tore lots of stuff up. I worked on some sprockets that K.O. had been working on, but I got to a point that I needed a good two or three arm puller and wasn't able to find one in K.O.'s shop. Every puller I found would not work, either it was stripped or was to large for the location. If I had been in the shop in Roscoe I would have built me one. So, I changed projects and began studying hydraulics.

The equipment hydraulics have always been questionable. It has two closed systems. A big high volume system and a much smaller dedicated system. Originally the larger system had been tapped into for the steering system. Problem is, these hydraulics have to work so hard that the relief valves have been shimmed and tightened until they really aren't able to relieve pressure. Ie., the system deadheads. It doesn't matter what you do, from working the landing gear to turning the steering wheel, you can almost kill the engine with hydraulic system back pressure. I had spent time with our hydraulic specialist Thursday, diagramming and discussing. Saturday I decided I was going to remove the steering from the pressure side which will allow me to remove a flow regulator. My goal is to increase pressures, hopefully enough to remove the spring shims and loosen the relief valve. The downside will be either plumbing the steering into the return oil circuit or into the smaller hydraulic system. I am flying by the seat of my britches here because I made the call without consent or approval of anyone else!

I am very good a tearing things up. I have hydraulic hoses loose, I have a three spool hydraulic valve dropped down, and bolts and other pieces scattered all around. Hopefully when we reassemble it all we will have improved our systems.

Friday I had worked back at Chris's parts store. Chris went with his Mom, Dad and Kyle to his Aunt's funeral in Plugerville. DJ and I ran the store. My biggest dilemma of the day was a parts return that had been paid for with a credit card. I had never had to credit back on a card. I still haven't done it either. We tried. I called the number on the side of the terminal and found that the card company is a third party and could not help at all. I finally wrote the lady a check because my effort to credit the amount ended up duplicating the charge. I asked Pat to call the bank and alert them as I am not on the signature card.

At lunch I went to Memama's and Pepa's. Memama had prepared one of my favorites. Red beans, cornbread, german sausage, pan fried 'taters and onions, ice tea and cantaloupe! Yum.

During the course of lunch conversation, Memama told me that Freddy's family was on the outs with Pepa. For me this news was very distressing.

It seemed that it began with a conversation between Jake and Pepa. Expanded to include Joni, and culminated with Linda, Joni, and Pepa having a confrontation.

Pepa has been very quiet since losing Fred and Terri. I have wondered (and worried) about how he was really dealing with the loss. Pepa is not very tactful, and often times when he makes a statement what comes out doesn't necessarily correlate with what he wanted to say or the way he wanted to say it. I will never forget when Krl and I had returned from burying her Mother, Pepa gave Krl a hug and told her that now she was an orphan just like him (meaning neither of them had a living parent).

I don't profess the following to be exact, rather just a general account of the altercation. Pepa told Jake that he wondered if someone had been with Freddy the night he died, might help have been summoned in time to save him. I am quite sure this is no where close to the way this statement came out.

I think all of us have wondered this question. When I talked with Joni late Friday I told her "I" had wondered if Linda, Jake, or Joni had been there would the result have been different. This isn't a "blame" question, it is simply an "if" question. I think it is very possible that the way things played out was the best possible scenario for a bad situation. I hate that the kids had to go and find Freddy, yet when he didn't show up at the office and they went to his house to check on him, they had a little warning of something not being "right".

If GOD would allow a do over, I am sure all of us would volunteer to be there. Thing is, it isn't going to happen and we can't bring Freddy back.

Odd thing is, we have this question about Freddy yet with Terri, "E" is dealing with having been right there and not even knowing she was gone. There are no correct answers where one size fits all.

Of course if you are a Freeman, or if you have ever verbally sparred with a Freeman, you realize that they don't fight fair, they don't hear precisely what you say and the goal of this exercise is to say something more hateful than what was said to you. I am sure if we gathered all the participants together, each account of what transpired would be just a little different from the next.

So I go back to what I do know. I am sorry all this has happened. We are all still much to raw and sensitive to deal with something like this. I rely on faith that GOD's plan is unfolding as he intends. I don't agree with what has happened. I have lots of questions, but this is GOD's show, HIS rules. HE knows what HE is doing.

It isn't easy. Each day is a struggle. But we'll get through it. I told Joni I can only imagine what she, Jeri, Jason, Jake and Linda have gone through losing a father or spouse. The same is true for "E", Shelby, Robyn, Wes, and Riley losing a spouse or mother. I can only imagine what Memama and Pepa have gone through and are going through mourning the loss of two children.

I DO know what it is like to lose a brother and a sister.

Right now, with what has transpired last week, it is like losing Freddy all over again.

FATHER, heal our hearts. Fill our void. Surround us with YOUR angels. Help us to be sensitive to the feelings and needs of others.